Business News: Violence from Police State to replace Gold as new standard of currency

Money experts are citing gold as “not scary enough” to convince large herds of tax cattle into playing along with their sick games of capitalism.

Since gold is merely a shiny trinket, it lacks the required leverage to lure peasants into a grueling system of financial enslavement for their entire lives - which could in turn lead to a shrinking economy.

However, a brutal kick in the ribs by jackbooted authoritarians carries a more universal weight to it in terms of perceived value; albeit, a negative one, such as debt - but unlike debt, it is less prone to inflation (unless one accounts for the cycle of violence which Buddhism- experts warn routinely against).

As a bonus, other species asides from humans and billionaires can be employed with the adoption of this currency - such as dolphins with bombs strapped to them, horses with carriages of overweight tourists strapped to them, dogs with humans strapped to them, pigeons with notes strapped to them, and monkeys who collect coconuts off trees for cheap cans of creamy coconut used to make curries more creamy.

In fact, reinvigorating a dying economy can be compared to spicing up a dull game of Scrabble. So long as you threaten to stab those bitches that try to make a run for it - the economy (and by extension, that round of scrabble) will run smoother than ever before.